Saturday 8 December 2012



I have chosen to put the above cover at the top of this post as for me it truly depicts Domestic Violence, the victim cowering in a corner vulnerable and trying to make yourself as small and inoffensive as you can possibly be. then the shadow showing on the wall with the fists clenched at his side, his shadow domineeringly lent over you. The further you shrink away the farther in he leans towards you intimidating you even more. I have been the victim in this picture desperately trying to diffuse his anger.
Then once it's all over "he" apologies (if you are lucky) and promises on his life or anyone else's that springs to his mind that "it" will never happen again. And you are so desperate for a little slice of peace you smile nervously and say it's okay. "He" then goes on to say it was your own fault really.... your misdemeanor that triggered his temper and attack can be anything from he didn't like his dinner, to being on the telephone when he got home from work instead of at the cooker doing his tea. "They" the attacker always seem to spin the blame around onto you their "victim"
So? I hear some say, if he is abusive walk's not so simple as that. If you have children...will they be forced to see your violent partner alone? Do you want your children to be products of a broken home? Then there's the practical issues, where can you go? how will you pay for anything you need? what can you manage to take? when should you go? who can help you?
Some "victims" may have family or friends to help out, but do they really know that you will need them for the long haul and what they are getting into. "He" is more than liable to turn up at their home. First it's all apologies, Will you come home? He can't live without you? The dog misses you? The neighbours are talking? His family want to know where you are?
Then of course you have already experienced his violent side so will your family/friends be prepared to have to call out the Police to their home to deal with him?
Abuse doesn't have to be being physically violent, it can be verbal abuse, the "For goodness sake you're not going out wearing that are you?" or "You look fat in that" "Your useless" "can't you do anything" "People won't believe you if you leave" "You've got no where to go"
Then there's mental abuse,  things like preventing you from sleeping, waking you up when you've just fallen asleep. Telling you you're useless, too fat, too thin, too old, not good enough is also mental abuse. 
Another thing an "abuser" usually does is try their very best to cut you off from your friend's and family so you truly feel you have no one to turn to.
So what can you do? Reach out to a friend or family member or an organisation that helps Domestic Violence Victims. It's hard to make the step and no one else can tell you when, where or how. The Police should also help but obviously they can't be with you all the time, they may be able to point you towards a refuge if you have no friends or family you can go to.
I know I have rattle on and on and see I do know how a Domestic Violence Victim I was one. I finally left. Why? My then nine year old asked if we could move out as her dad was always being nasty to me. She didn't mind where we went or what material things she had to leave behind. So  I packed a holdall for me and one for her and we left. The divorce wasn't an amicable one, "he" couldn't accept why we had left and couldn't accept why a nine year old would refuse to see her dad ever again, he had terrified her so much, done and said things that I only found out about years later.
So remember if you have the will to leave you will always find a way.

I want to thank all authors that put the Spotlight on the subject of Domestic Violence, two authors in particular come to mind, Stacy Eaton who wrote "Whether I'll Live Or Die" and Collette Scott who wrote "Forever Sunshine" both books are extremely realistic in how they are written, and though brought back memories I would rather forget I loved reading them both. Each book depicts men as the abuser and the women as the victim I am aware as I am sure many others are that the situation can happen the other way around too.
I hope I haven't "bored" you will my "rattling on" if just one victim reads this post and has the courage to leave or reach out for help, or one relative or friend makes a victim know they have a way out then .... it was worth thinking back to not so very good memories.

REFUGE & WOMENS AID 24 hour helpline 0808 2000 247 UK
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COALITION 24 hour helpline 1-800-799-SAFE US

1 comment:

  1. Jean - Thank you so much for sharing. Telling our story is never easy. My 4 year old asked me why I didn't call the police when his father broke my nose. That is the day my eyes really opened. Hugs to you - and to you daughter!!! You are both strong and you are both survivors! Thank you for posting this and thank you for putting my book cover above this - the whole post put tears in my eyes.